I have a ongoing document on my computer called my Spiritual WtFAQ. It is basically a journal where I wordbarf all my thoughts when I am feeling discombobulated. I started it when I was trying to make a manual on how to deal with /be me. A lot of it consists of questions I constantly ask myself when I am an imbalanced state- so I can read what I wrote when I was feeling good. That said, I rarely remember I’ve created this document when I am feeling *shitty.
Most of it is fun and there’s some poetry in there- maybe a book one day? Anyway, without further ado- here is an excerpt of my inner machinations.
Written December 18th 2016
It can feel like I am the ghost writer of my own mind. The internal judgments cloud my eternal desire to communicate my own vision of a grand design.
If someone asked a simple question, without looking into my eyes; I wonder what would I be able to say in front of another person.
Sublimely peaceful in my own small circle of perceived madness. I don’t really want to play well with others.
A glorious disaster or a communicative natural wonder.
A crystal gem or a patch of dirt thinking it is calcified sand.
Universal languages of music, art and nature.
Fuel a divine inspired expression that is loftily met with imagined judgments that I permit to feel like rejection.
I allow myself to get lost in the cause of peace and self-righteous quests for glory.
A perfect storm of a vortex undisclosed questioning stillness and challenging resistance.
A die-hard, try-hard perpetually seeking running full tilt towards accomplishments pushed to a standstill by internal neurotic tabloids.
No real questions come because I speak to fragility and all the songs left unsung.
I am here.
I will stay as long as I am needed.
I will always need my self because I know I am the first to love.
A love note to myself when imagined madness can tempt my Highest Good to become undone.
The constant questions I ask myself and others…
Do you understand?
Are you listening with a heartbeat of your own vulnerability?
Can you appreciate the wisdom of a childlike wonder?
Do you really believe the world needs more rewilding?
Are you taking this all personally?
Can I hurt you?
What is a boundary?
Can my creative expression and healing process be met with contempt if I wilfully disallow all attempts at disrespecting me?